You’ve taken everything from me. Everything I thought was of value. Like a mugging on the street, you were swift in the snatching of my livelihood.
For a week I was ok. High on the feeling that something had happened but not really sure what. Then the rain came, soft at first and then pounding on my windows. I closed my door and pulled the shades. Colored lights lit up dark corners of my apartment. I burned incense and candles, and tried to write.
After a week I turned to the bottle. Happy hour at 12 noon was all the new rage at Casa Del Mio. I taught myself new dance moves, made new food concoctions, sang at the top of my lungs, I even worked out -- all while sipping a cocktail. And never once did I spill a drop anywhere but in my mouth. Although I am many things, a sloppy drunk I am not.
But that sort of life catches up with you, and after 2 weeks I was near to the end of it. Then, right on cue, the ex called and said he’d fallen off the wagon. He was always falling off of all sorts of wagons and calling me after he'd done so. Therefore I wasn't very surprised. However, this particular encounter came with a new insight: I had not been dealing with my own feelings, but didn’t realize it until I had to deal with someone else’s.
It's true. There had been strange new emotions brought on by this pandemic that I had found particularly hard to name. How do you deal with life in the grey areas? With feelings you just can’t identify? I had no idea.
Alcohol certainly had no wisdom and TV was simply a distraction. So I went into silence. I left my friends, walled myself into my apartment, closed the shades, and began to mediate and pray for guidance. Inwards was the only place of solace.
The rain eventually subsided, and I could open my shades once more. The sun came out and I began to walk in the warmth of its rays. Random strangers said hello. The smell of jasmine danced in the air. Babies cooed, dogs barked and, since the sound of traffic was gone, I could even hear birds singing.
Some of the burden lifted. At least I had Spring, I realized. Nobody could take that.